Beat The Bully: 2011

HOW DEAL WITH THE VERBAL BULLY OVER THE CHRISTMAS PERIOD

At the time of writing this, the Christmas holidays have just started for many people, a much needed break from the hassles (and unfortunately bullies) that they face at their work. For many of these people, the time off might hopefully be enough for them to analyse the toxic relationship between themselves and the bully, as well as come up with some appropriate plan of action on how to beat the bully.

Unfortunately for others however the bullying would only just be starting, particularly when the bully is a family member; be it sibling, parent or even a distant cousin. If you happen to be one of those people for whom the bully is a family member, than the Christmas holidays might not be that much of an exciting time at all. Throughout the rest of the year, you might have been able to keep your distance from such person but come Christmas; you may be expected to attend the family functions (along with the bully). And if the person in question is a verbal bully, they may openly be attacking you in the form of nasty comments right under the noses of others.

A perfect example of such a bully is the family member who openly makes comments about you in such a manner that while others in earshot would hear a perfectly innocent interpretation, only you and the bully would get the real interpretation behind the comment. Such comments you may hear coming from the mouth of the bully include;

‘Please give us two fatties a smaller portion please’

Implying that you are fat and so should have a smaller portion, yet the adding of themselves in the equation lightens the directness of the comment at you.

‘Why aren’t you married yet like…’

This comment tends to be said more at female targets than male ones, probably due to the emphasis on getting married, raising children, etc. To others it sounds like genuine concern but to you (and the bully) it is direct attack on your social status (and compare you with another is just rude)!

‘So you STILL working as…?.’

Emphasis here is on the still, showing concern to others yet to yourself, implying that you haven’t done any better in your career.

‘Why don’t you ever come around and see me more often?’

Another famous line, usually said just before or after the prior comments. The aim is to try and get you to answer your apparent lack of caring in front of others.

‘I heard you are a ….? Why do/don’t you …’

This statement is usually said when the bully is aware that you have done something (or don’t do something) which they and the rest of the family do. For instance you are a vegetarian while we eat meat or you went to university while we didn’t. The intent is to start a debate where you are singled out and victimised by them and others for doing what you do.

So if you happen to find yourself reluctantly facing another Christmas where you are going to be targeted by a bully on an on-going basis, what options do you have open to you? Well one option of course is to simply tell everyone that you won’t be attending Christmas with them, but this in all likely is going to isolate you from the family (and god knows what the bully be saying about you when you are not around). Of course there is always the second option of attending the family Christmas and simply put up with the bullying (not viable option either).

Well the first thing I would recommend is that you plan some defences in your mind should the bully start to openly attack you. For instance, when they openly criticise you for instance with one of the comments mentioned above, simply respond by saying ‘Thanks … for your concern but I…’ ;

1. Can look after my own weight thank you

2. Feel that is personal and I don’t wish to discuss it with you

3. I don’t wish to discuss that so can we please change the subject

4. Feel that when I am in your company, you tend to put me down and as such, tend to spend time away (let the whole table know how their bullying affects you and so that is why you rarely visit them).

These are just four possible responses that you can give to the bullying family member when they are verbally attacking you in front of others. The trick is to be creative and try to come up with a list of possible responses to the bullying comments that they may try and throw at you.

Usually on giving your response, the bully realising you have deflected their attack will throw several other comments at you in the form of either trying to dig into your reasons for not answering their initial bullying comment, else they will back off for few minutes before coming back with another such comment. In the first instance, simply tell the person (and any interested family members) that you are not willing to talk about it and can you please change the subject. If they don’t stop, calmly get up and leave the dinner table, etc, perhaps even heading off home.

Alternatively if they keep trying to come back with another comment, ask the bully in question (in front of the family) why they keep pushing you to answer personal details, etc about yourself, such as social status, career progression or implying that you are fat, etc. The bully is trying to put you in the limelight (embarrassingly) so why not give them some limelight of their own.

Ultimately which options you choose to take are completely up to you though it ought to be worth mentioning that should you feel that the bully is gaining ground in their comments by others beginning to probe you further, simply say thank you for the meal but you are going to be leaving now!

‘Please give us two fatties a smaller portion please’

Implying that you are fat and so should have a smaller portion, yet the adding of themselves in the equation lightens the directness of the comment at you.

‘Why aren’t you married yet like…’

‘So you STILL working as…?.’

Emphasis here is on the still, showing concern to others yet to yourself, implying that you haven’t done any better in your career.

‘Why don’t you ever come around and see me more often?’

Another famous line, usually said just before or after the prior comments. The aim is to try and get you to answer your apparent lack of caring in front of others.

‘I heard you are a ….? Why do/don’t you …’

1. Can look after my own weight thank you

2. Feel that is personal and I don’t wish to discuss it with you

3. I don’t wish to discuss that so can we please change the subject

BEAT THE BULLY WITH PEN & PAPER

In the previous post ‘Be In The Present Moment’ I mentioned how learning to be in the present moment can help one combat the damaging effect that bullying can have to your psychological well-being. Unfortunately if you are already being bullied (maybe for quite some time now) than trying to get your mind out of the mental fog and back into the present moment (the only true moment) can be very difficult

You may have noticed that I have put the term ‘mental fog’ in bold. The reason why I came up with this term is because on being bullied (especially on a consistent nature) one can find themselves living their day-to-day lives as if they were shrouded in a fog of anger, fear, despair, confusion, etc. It may sound far-fetched to many, but bullying does not only effect one when it is happening but can have further far reaching effects, affecting one throughout almost every waking moment.

If you have been fortunate enough to never having being bullied to the point where you find yourself living in such a mental fog, you may well be wondering what exactly all the fuss is about. Surely when one is not being bullied at that specific moment in time, one should be able to focus themselves on something more positive. Unfortunately this is not always the case as the human mind is built to look out for threats and potential issues: thanks to our evolutionary past when we humans lived in caves and had to constantly be on the lookout for real threats to our survival. As such, when we get bullied on a consistent basis, our minds begin to label the threat and if the bullying is taking place on and on-going basis, the mind will see it as a threat still. As such it would do what evolutionary it was designed for, to consistently make us aware of the threat: and ready to fight or flight!

So how can you tell if you are mentally caught in a mental fog due to the bullying within your life? Well if you tend to spend a large part of your day (when the bully is not around) thinking about the bullying, perhaps feeling scared at what may happen next time you two meet, or instead feeling furious and imaging drastic revenge scenarios , than you are in a mental fog! (Hopefully you can now understand how simply trying to bring your mind back into the present moment won’t truly help when you are in such a state).

Fortunately if you do find yourself in such a state of mind, help is at hand and the key to getting out of this fog lies in getting a pen and piece of paper (or if you are a techie, than opening up a word document on your PC). Anyhow at the top of the paper, write down the question

‘What actually happened?’

While it may seem obvious to you what happened (i.e. PERSON IN QUESTION did this and said that against you, etc) the reason why it is vital to write down what actually happened is because when you replay the incident over in your mind, your imagination is likely to alter bits of the story, etc. The reason for this (as science has proven) is because our minds tend to delete, distort and generalise our memories in order to fit our own interpretation of reality.

So though it might seem hard, as you answer the question, put down what actually happened whilst trying to take as much emotion out of the description as possible! Than when you have answered this question, jot down

BE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve being explaining to a friend all your troubles, concerns and worries for the future and as such, simply received the response ‘Stop worrying and come back to now.’ Personally I can say that I have experienced these responses several times in my life from friends, etc, due to the fact that I am a high-strung person. Fortunately for myself, I know that I am not the only one who chronically worries about the future for almost everyone does.

Actually worry (fear) is in itself an emotional concern about something that may happen to you in the future. Or to put it this way, do you sit around worrying about something that happened yesterday? Well no would be the answer, except if you feared that the previous event would still have coming repercussions in the future, which would be worrying about the future!

So what has this got to do with bullying? Well one of the major emotions which people tend to feel in regards to bullying is fear. If you have or are being bullied, than fear is a natural feeling to feel as in one form or another, what the bully is doing is intimidating you. Hence during the bullying, you’d probably spend a large amount of your time worrying about your next encounter in the future.

Another emotion which targets of bullies also have is anger about the past, about the prior encounters with the bully and the unjustified manner to which you treated in. Ironically this emotion is based in the opposite linear direction of fear in that instead of looking at a future event, one is focused on the past and getting angry at what they are feeling.

What is interesting is how pretty much all negative emotions, i.e. fear, anger, jealousy, arrogance, etc is based around some point in the past or some potentially upcoming moment in the future. Yet it is amazing how when we are lost in the emotion and our ruminating (thinking) minds, we forget that there is ever only one moment, this current moment. The future never will come for when it does it will be the here and now. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to imply you are stupid by laying these facts about time out to you but it is simply amazing how we get so caught up in the past or future that we forget about these basic truths.

So how can learning to be more in the here and now help with overcoming the damaging effects bullying has on your level of well-being? Well when you are more centred and focused on this moment, where you are, you are far less likely to spend your time thinking about your prior experiences with the bully and what will happen in the future.

For example, how often have you spent the night awake, tossing and turning in bed over what may happen tomorrow when you are back in the company of the bully? Well I certainly have had a few nights like that in my own past. Yet looking back, what I know though is that during those moments in bed, I was lying there in states of anger and anxiety yet the bully was nowhere around. The events I feared were not even happening that evening (and ultimately were nowhere near as bad as I imagined). What a waste of a good night!

Now many of you reading this would think that what I am saying is foolish in that while it logically makes sense, I am also abdicating that one doesn’t plan how to deal with the bully but simply take each bullying experience as and when it happens! Honestly nothing could be further from the truth for I am by no means saying that you should not have a plan of action for next time the bully targets you, etc. What I am trying to say though is that once you have worked out your plan, than let it go. Don’t fall into the mental habit of ruminating over the plan from various different aspects, adding imaginary what-ifs to the plan. Once you have created your plan, simply try and bring your attention back to this moment, knowing that when the time does come for you to come face-to-face with your perpetrator, you can than implement your plan of action.

So how does one bring their attention back into the present moment? Unfortunately if trying to keep your attention in the moment for a sustained period of time, it will be extremely hard. Zen monks, meditators, etc have spent years trying to master this ability for any true length of time. Yet one technique that may help is to simply focus on your breathing. Every moment that you are alive, you are breathing and you are only breathing in this moment. Hence by focusing on your breathing, looking out sensations, rate of breath, etc, you are bringing your attention back into the current moment. The trick afterwards is to realise when your attention has drifted away from your breathing and back onto the bullying, etc and then bringing your attention back onto the breathe.

Over time, focusing your mind on the present moment and away from the bullying will severely reduce (and even heal) any damage done to your psyche and sense of well-being!

WE ALL NEED SOMEBODY TO LEAN ON

If you look back in history at human achievement, one thing which you may find quite common is the notion that very few of those achievements were ever actually done by one person alone. Even if one person was at the helms of the achievement (such as Charles Lindbergh who did the first ever solo flight across the Atlantic in his plane ‘The Spirit of St Louis’) there was always a team of people in the background helping to make the achievement come true. To achieve anything great in life, one needs a support network of people who can guide them or lend support when needed.

The power behind having a team or network of supportive people who wish the best for you, be it only 1-2 people or 10,000 people, cannot be underestimated. Having such a network can make even the highest of highs just that slightly bit more exhilarating, while helping you out from the lowest of lows. And the same can also be said for confronting bullies as well.

Having people for support can help combat the effects of bullying

So if you are currently being targeted by a bully, be it at work, socially or even at home, than having a team of people you can turn to for help and support is of real help to your psychological well-being. In many cases, people who have being pushed to the edge of suicide have been saved merely by informing someone else of their problems and been talked out of such an act.

Evolutionary psychologists, psychiatrists, etc, all agree that as a species, we humans are naturally social animals; we need to be around others once in a while. Personally I can see this instinct of ours after I have witnessed my pet cat having just had a fight with the neighbour’s cat whom is a bit of a ‘Cat Bully.’

Anyhow, after the two cats have squared up and fought one another, my cat naturally wouldn’t go up to me for comfort. Instead she tends to go into solitary hiding under the bushes in the garden where I can only guess she is somehow calming herself down and psychologically overcoming what just occurred for after a few minutes, she seems happy enough to come out of the bushes and walks into the house as if nothing has just happened; if only we humans could overcome the effects of bullying so easily.

Fortunately it is still possible to undo and overcome the damaging effects that bullying has on your psyche and well-being and as you may have guessed, one such method is to develop a social network of friends and family. Now before you say that you don’t have anyone who you can actually turn towards, I can assure you that in actual fact, there are people you can turn towards. In fact, I can say this with greatest of confidence, even though I don’t know you.

How can I perceivably be so confident? Well for one thing, I know that the chances are you probably have some family member or friend who’d you can express your concerns about bullying to. The chances are that you just probably never considered approaching them beforehand with your ideas and suggestions.

Yet even if I am wrong and personally you don’t have any known family or friends at all, than there are many different bullying charities and mental health organisations who would be able to assist you. Now please don’t get me wrong for by mental health organisations, I am not referring to ‘Nut Houses.’ Instead I am referring to support groups set up by NHS, etc who will be willing to sit down and talk with you over the bullying issue and how you can resolve it. A brief search online (Google is my recommendation) would supply you with a list of such groups.

However, the chances are that you probably won’t have to even consult such groups unless you truly want too for most probably there are people you personally know that you can approach for help. If there is such a person you feel you can approach for support but don’t want to be a strain on their time, than simply imagine how you would feel if someone came to you for support due to being bullied. Ask yourself ‘Would I try and help that person out or simply tell them to go away and sort the problem out themselves?’ Like you’d probably do yourself if approached by someone in need, most people in my experience are only too willing to help in the best way that they can!

HOW TO SPOT THE WORKPLACE BULLY!

I was reading an interesting article recently by Valerie Cade (author of Bully Free At Work) on ‘Recognizing Workplace Bullies.’ In this article, Cade starts by mentioning how according to experts on workplace relationships, it is indeed very challenging to spot a workplace bully in action. The reason for this is because rather than admit that we are being bullied, most of us normal folk will probably try make some excuses for the bully’s behaviour, such as ‘It was probably my fault’ or ‘She is probably just having a bad day.’

Speaking as someone who has been bullied in a working environment, I can completely sympathise with what Cade is saying. You see, I (and most people I assume) generally want to live a quiet life, one which does not contain too much stress. So on being the target of a bully, my (and most other people) reaction would be to excuse the bullying behaviour as anything but what it really is.

Yet even without this self-denial, spotting a workplace bully is also difficult due to the fact that most bullies don’t want the whole world to know that they are a bully; especially in the workplace where there is the chance that they could get fired for such behaviour. So naturally bullies (especially in the workplace) will tend to carry out subtle attacks on their target, else openly bully their target when believing that others around won’t turn against them.

So if you believe that you are being bullied at work by a co-worker, what can you do? Well the first thing that you can do is to stop deluding yourself from the possibility that you are being bullied for as personal development guru Dr Phil McGraw famously quotes ‘You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.’ Whilst I know that it may be painful to consider the fact that someone is intentionally bullying you but it the possibility needs to be accepted if you are going to bring about a change.

The next step to realising if you are being bullied by someone at work is to apply the two step questionnaire which I mentioned in the ‘Beat The Bully’ book. The first of the questions you need to ask yourself is

Do many of the interactions that I have with (name of colleague) leave me feeling somewhat intimidated, down or just negative?

Now on answering this question, don’t assume that I mean every single interaction between you and the bully leaves you feeling worse off, not even 50% of the interactions, but if there is a general pattern where every one in four or five interactions leaves you feeling as such, than the answer to this question would be yes.

In her article, Cade mentions some of the signs to look out when interacting with the person in mind you believe to be a bully. These signs include:

Making you work longer hours than most
Crude sexual comments aimed at you
Doesn't give you any credit for the work you done
Continually Criticized

Along with these signs and any other indicators of bullying, the second question to ask yourself is

‘Does the person in question do it to most other people in the office as well or just me and perhaps one or two others?’

If the answer to this question is no in that he treats everyone with some nastiness, it could just be that your bully in question is simply a bitter person or lacks in people skills, hence not really a bully (though at the same time, you don’t have to stand for such behaviour). Yet if the answer is yes, she seems to be picking on only you (and perhaps one or two others elsewhere) while treating everyone else at work differently, than you do have a workplace bully.

Now that you are aware if you are being bullied (assuming that you are) than you can now decide whether to confront the bully (recommend doing this in a dignified manner for not losing your job), report the issue up to management or simply let it be, the choice is up to you!

BEAT THE BULLY FIRST PRESS RELEASE!

As a new author whom is not at all famous in any shape of form, one needs to try all that they can to try and promote their work. If there are any new authors (or even well established ones) reading this post, than you'd probably realise the amount of self-promotion which one is required to do in order to try and get their work known by the general public.

So without trying to blow my trumpet to much, I would like to mention that after some phoning around and an embarrassing incident with the scheduling of the photographer, I can gladly say that news of Beat The Bully has finally reached the newspapers: by that I mean my own local newspaper 'The Bucks Free Press.' Please click on the link below to view the feature of the book in question!

BUCKS FREE PRESS FEATURE OF BEAT THE BULLY BOOK

I would also just like to give a special thanks to Rebecca Cain who performed the interview and wrote the feature within the local newspaper!

I'VE BEING PICKED ON - AM I WEAK?

It doesn't take a genius to realise that when one is being bullied, not only will their sense of worth diminish greatly (as mentioned in my prior post Self-Esteem – Kryptonite to a bully) but they will also feel less confident and weaker in their abilities and who they are as people. For instance someone who was a top performer at their work starts to get picked on by envious co-workers. In the process their perceived ability of how well they perform at work will go down, i.e. ‘I didn’t deserve to really be employee of the month, I was just lucky I guess.’ Oftentimes this erroneous belief in their capability to perform at their work can actually affect the quality of their work, lowering their performance (this is known in psychological circles as a self-fulfilling prophecy)!

For some reason not really understandable by most sane folks, most bullies consciously or unconsciously seem to derive some sort of pleasure or satisfaction in making one of their targets feel weaker in themselves. Hence for those of you reading this who are being bullied, this would explain why you would probably be feeling less confident in yourself and your abilities.

Now if this is the case, I would like to reassure you now that you are not a weak person. In fact the chances are that you actually have a stronger character than the bully who is trying to make you feel small. If you doubt this, than let me give you a quick story to prove otherwise. For many months back when I was doing my first year of A levels, I was picked on by one particular bully who I refer to in my book ‘Beat The Bully’ as a student called Joe. Though we only shared one class together, he would make this class a living nightmare for me.

Fortunately but regretfully I sort of lost it, had enough and in the middle of the class, got off my seat, walked over to him and shall we say physically sorted him out (something I wouldn’t condone). Anyhow after this incident, he naturally backed off from me a bit, only saying the odd remark quietly to try and save face in front of his mates. Than unexpectedly, he just stopped coming to class and dropped the course. Now I can’t say for certain whether this was due to myself but when you put one and one together, including the small period of time between both incidences, it seems like there was a connection.

Furthermore I have also seen the same thing several other times in my life amongst other people where someone has been picked on by another yet they still show up each occasion for another hammering. Yet when they (the target) finally stands up and puts a stop to the bully, they very quickly cower away, often leaving the workplace or social group altogether. Now you tell me which one you think has the stronger character, the target who shows up each day, week, etc to receive another dose of bullying or the bully who on being humiliated, stopped, etc, runs off into pastures new.

So please do take comfort if you are being bullied that you are not less popular, more stupid, etc than the bully. This is what they want you to think. In fact if you could try and imagine it from a bully’s perspective, deep down they probably feel inferior to everyone else in situation. Hence like predators in the wild, they will try and hide their inferiority not by attacking the herd, etc in one swoop but picking out members of the herd one at a time, weakening them and then attacking them. Fortunately though I am not implying that your bully wants to eat you though! Simply that your perpetrator feels weak in themselves and as such, is trying to climb up the social hierarchy by bringing others down in the process.

As a group, the herd could easily tackle the predator hence like a bully, the

predator separates the herd one at a time.

I would like to conclude by saying however that I am not implying you should take compassion on the bully, forgive them and let them carry on bullying you. Many of us in society often feel weak deep down but would never dream of resorting to bullying to get ahead. Yet those who for some reason are emotionally stunted, etc, such logic might not apply.

If you are interested in bullying at the workplace, an interesting article that I have come across is

Bullying 10 - Workplace Bullying

SELF ESTEEM - KRYPTONITE TO A BULLY

If you have had the pleasure of reading my book ‘Beat The Bully’ (forgive the slight promotion) you may have noticed how I revealed that in reality, nobody is truly immune from being the target of a bully. If there was such a person in existence, I would personally want to meet him and to ask him how he managed to achieve such a state.

Though you or anybody else is not immune from being bullied, it is possible though to make yourself a ‘Hardened-Target’ in that it would be quite difficult for a bully to actually start intimidating you. Fortunately you don’t have to look too far to come across these hardened targets. Do the names Richard Branson, Nick Clegg or Robbie Williams ring a bell?

Now if you are thinking something along the lines of ‘Hang on a minute Alex, of course these people wouldn’t get bullied, I mean who’d dare bully them, they are at the very peak of their respective fields?’ Well I will agree with you, being at such heights of fame and achievement, these people are likely to not have many bullies stand up to them. Yet just imagine each of these three people were not as famous and accomplished as they are, working ordinary jobs like the rest of us, yet still maintained the strength of personality we know they have. Can you imagine Richard Branson with his charm or Robbie Williams & Nick Clegg with their high self-confidence levels working at the desk next to yours? Do you think that these people would be the target of bullies or would they instead have the bullies eating out of their hands (figuratively speaking)?

So what is it in the personalities that make these three examples hardened targets? Well in my opinion, there are two traits that make one a hardened target (no matter whether they by nature are introverted or extroverted, loud or quiet, etc). The first of these traits is ones SELF-ESTEEM levels. Or to put it another way, one common trait which all bullies tend to share is the sense of pleasure they derive when they are able to make one of their targets feel small and bad about themselves. In fact, this is probably the basic goal behind all forms of bullying behaviour, to make someone feel worse so that the perpetrator can temporarily feel better.

Hence to hold yourself in high regards would mean that a bully would have a harder job grinding you down to the levels they want you at. Unfortunately there isn’t actually a self-esteem threshold where when one goes above it, they are immune to all bullies. The reason for this is because many bullies when unable to bully you directly due to your sense of worth might instead do little, indirect acts of bullying with the goal of chipping away at your self-esteem till you are grinded down to a level where they can directly bully you.

Therefore the second trait required to making you a hardened target is SELF-AWARENESS. While this trait by itself won’t make you a hardened target, it is vitally important for without it, a bully would happily chip away at your self-esteem levels until there are none left. Yet with a high degree of self-awareness, when the bully does start trying to chip away at your esteem levels, you will not only be able to realise that this is happening but still have the confidence to take action and tell the bully where they can get off. Usually nothing makes it worse for a bully for their target (who still has high level of confidence) tell them that they know what they are doing and that they are not going to stand for it. Remember, bullies are cowards and as such, don’t want the challenge of facing a difficult target and as such, will back away.

So the core traits needed to be a hardened target against a bully is self-esteem and self-awareness. Unfortunately even hardened targets are not completely immune to bullying for if the bully is crafty enough, they might be able to skilfully chip away at such a target’s self-esteem levels without the target realising what is taking place till it is too late. Yet with these two traits you stand a far greater chance of not being bullied.

Before ending, I would just like to add one final thing that been that being a hardened target doesn’t mean you have to be at all aggressive in your personality, ready to confront a bully physically, etc should they arise. Look at Mahatma Gandhi for example. A pacifist but with high levels of self-esteem as well high levels awareness, many of his enemies thought that they could bully him into submission. Fortunately they didn’t grasp what type of person they were dealing with and ended up looking stupid and/or failing to get their way!

WHY PEOPLE BULLY?

Can you imagine what it would be like to be a bully? To consciously go about picking on certain people whom you perceive as being weaker than you in one form or another? Can you imagine the sense of pleasure you’d get when you manage intimidate such people in your interactions, being able to make that person nervous, stressed, etc whenever you like? Yet at the same time, can you imagine often feeling deep feelings of envy towards some of these people?

If you find it hard imagine what it would be like than you are not alone. Most ordinary folk would find such a lifestyle alien to them. Fortunately most people aren’t bullies and never have being (and likely never to be). Unfortunately not everyone is a decent person, in that they are bullies and if you could step into their minds, would see that secretly they do live similar to the one you tried to imagine.

So what is it that drives a person to become a bully? Unfortunately there are many different reasons but one core reason which I personally don’t think holds any weight (as mentioned as myth in ‘Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying’) is the idea that bullies simply suffer from low self-esteem and so need compassion and help, not punishing. Now I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life when my esteem levels weren’t particularly high, but never did I turn into a bully. Furthermore, I know a few people whose level of worth is quite low, but they certainly aren’t bullies either.

So what are the reasons driving a person to be a bully? Well there are many reasons and theories for why people bully (for more comprehensive list, click on the link 'Why Adults Bully' at bottom of this post) and naturally not all bullies are going to behave for the same reason. Yet the sum of all these reasons is that they as human are basically emotionally stunted. By emotionally stunted, I mean they lack any sort of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Emotional Intelligence is basically defined as the ability or capacity to perceive, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, and of others. So it is a low level if EQ which can make one end up as a bully. Research by the experts on Emotional Intelligence has shown that there is a correlation between levels of EQ and bullying.

So what causes one to have low EQ or to put it in layman terms be emotionally stunted? Well there are probably just as many reasons as why people bully, but the all the possible reasons would fall under two categories, Nature and Nurture. While some emotionally stunted people behave this way because they have being brought up that way (perhaps taught by parents or peers when a child that this behaviour gets you what you want) some are bullies due to their genetics.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I am no ways advocating that there is a gene which makes a person become a bully. Rather nature has made the person so that they might have some sort of neurological problem which causes them to lack deeper understanding of emotions (especially in others) and as such, the possibility of acting like a bully becomes more accessible to them. Possible examples of such people may include narcissists and definitely sociopaths, whose brain images have shown, are neurologically wired differently to the rest of us.

Whatever the reasons for bullying, I believe that it shouldn’t be tolerated and if the bully was conscious enough to know what they were doing, than they should be held accountable for their behaviour.

WHY ADULTS BULLY

THE HUMAN RESOURCES MYTH

When writing ‘Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying’ I dedicated a chapter to the myths of adult bullying. Yet on getting the book off to the publishers, it occurred to me that there was yet another prevalent myth which I forgot to mention, that of Human Resources (HR). If you are being bullied at work (and the company is of a certain size) then you will probably seek out action by going to HR in regards to what you can legally do.

Yet is this always the best solution? Well in companies which are more open to the ideas of bullying and the harmful affect it can have on employee morale and business, than the answer is yes. Yet as you know, we live in a world far from ideal and as such, most HR departments don’t really have the interest of the employee who is being bullied at heart. Instead, what they hold closer to their hearts is the reputation of the company and senior managements desires. Now in most cases, those in senior management fortunately look at bullying as something which ought to be stamped out in an organisation. However, for certain organisations (in particular, very results driven organisations) senior management may even look upon bullying as a good thing, something which the organisation needs. Unfortunately many unenlightened people often mistake the aggression typically associated with a bully as drive and leadership, something the organisation needs.

Therefore what is the difference between a true leader and a bully? A good question and I believe that a true leader is one who inspires others to fulfil a mission, to be all that they can be while a bully is someone who does the opposite, breaks one down and uses aggression to make one feel small; nothing at all about vision or moving one forward in the direction of group goals.

Due to this lack of perception between bullying and drive & leadership, bullying is allowed to thrive in such company cultures whilst those who even consider blowing the whistle on a bully to HR will be branded weak by those higher up in the organisation and may even be made to be pushed out of the company. Not exactly an organisation that I in particular would desire to work within.

So if you are being bullied and unfortunate enough to work in an organisation where the cultural attitude is to support the bully, what are your options? Well you can report it but this in such an unenlightened culture; this isn’t going to put you in a positive light. You can confront the bully, try and bully him instead, something I wouldn’t recommend doing as you would end up both sabotaging your work efforts and look stupid. Likewise, ignoring the problem would teach the bully that it is okay to take their anger out on you, not a good outcome.

Instead I would do two things, firstly look for a job elsewhere. An organisation where bullying is accepted as the norm is an organisation where the nasty and cruel will thrive and the good and honest will fall to the bottom and out of the company! If decent like the most people, you will probably find it hard to succeed in such an organisation as the people from the top have written the rules so that you cannot succeed unless you become a skilled bully yourself.

Secondly while working at your company, realise that the bully in question (and the general company ethos) is pathetic and that while it is tough now, it won’t last forever. If you are sat near the bully in the office, ask to be moved to another part of the office, perhaps informing HR, etc that you’d like to move not because you are being bullied (which put you in position of weakness) but the person in question keeps stopping you from getting on with your work. Furthermore, you can probably get more work done if left alone. Saying something like this would hopefully get you moved without making you look weak in front of idiotic senior management.

A final note though, if by any means the bully in question is physically violent to you, than do not put up with it for one moment. Walk out and report the incident to the police, the courts, etc. No matter where you work, you have no reason to ever feel your personal safety is at risk!

Beat The Bully

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