Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve being explaining to a friend all your troubles, concerns and worries for the future and as such, simply received the response ‘Stop worrying and come back to now.’ Personally I can say that I have experienced these responses several times in my life from friends, etc, due to the fact that I am a high-strung person. Fortunately for myself, I know that I am not the only one who chronically worries about the future for almost everyone does.
Actually worry (fear) is in itself an emotional concern about something that may happen to you in the future. Or to put it this way, do you sit around worrying about something that happened yesterday? Well no would be the answer, except if you feared that the previous event would still have coming repercussions in the future, which would be worrying about the future!
So what has this got to do with bullying? Well one of the major emotions which people tend to feel in regards to bullying is fear. If you have or are being bullied, than fear is a natural feeling to feel as in one form or another, what the bully is doing is intimidating you. Hence during the bullying, you’d probably spend a large amount of your time worrying about your next encounter in the future.
Another emotion which targets of bullies also have is anger about the past, about the prior encounters with the bully and the unjustified manner to which you treated in. Ironically this emotion is based in the opposite linear direction of fear in that instead of looking at a future event, one is focused on the past and getting angry at what they are feeling.
What is interesting is how pretty much all negative emotions, i.e. fear, anger, jealousy, arrogance, etc is based around some point in the past or some potentially upcoming moment in the future. Yet it is amazing how when we are lost in the emotion and our ruminating (thinking) minds, we forget that there is ever only one moment, this current moment. The future never will come for when it does it will be the here and now. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to imply you are stupid by laying these facts about time out to you but it is simply amazing how we get so caught up in the past or future that we forget about these basic truths.
So how can learning to be more in the here and now help with overcoming the damaging effects bullying has on your level of well-being? Well when you are more centred and focused on this moment, where you are, you are far less likely to spend your time thinking about your prior experiences with the bully and what will happen in the future.
For example, how often have you spent the night awake, tossing and turning in bed over what may happen tomorrow when you are back in the company of the bully? Well I certainly have had a few nights like that in my own past. Yet looking back, what I know though is that during those moments in bed, I was lying there in states of anger and anxiety yet the bully was nowhere around. The events I feared were not even happening that evening (and ultimately were nowhere near as bad as I imagined). What a waste of a good night!
Now many of you reading this would think that what I am saying is foolish in that while it logically makes sense, I am also abdicating that one doesn’t plan how to deal with the bully but simply take each bullying experience as and when it happens! Honestly nothing could be further from the truth for I am by no means saying that you should not have a plan of action for next time the bully targets you, etc. What I am trying to say though is that once you have worked out your plan, than let it go. Don’t fall into the mental habit of ruminating over the plan from various different aspects, adding imaginary what-ifs to the plan. Once you have created your plan, simply try and bring your attention back to this moment, knowing that when the time does come for you to come face-to-face with your perpetrator, you can than implement your plan of action.So how does one bring their attention back into the present moment? Unfortunately if trying to keep your attention in the moment for a sustained period of time, it will be extremely hard. Zen monks, meditators, etc have spent years trying to master this ability for any true length of time. Yet one technique that may help is to simply focus on your breathing. Every moment that you are alive, you are breathing and you are only breathing in this moment. Hence by focusing on your breathing, looking out sensations, rate of breath, etc, you are bringing your attention back into the current moment. The trick afterwards is to realise when your attention has drifted away from your breathing and back onto the bullying, etc and then bringing your attention back onto the breathe.
Over time, focusing your mind on the present moment and away from the bullying will severely reduce (and even heal) any damage done to your psyche and sense of well-being!
