At the time of writing this, the Christmas holidays have just started for many people, a much needed break from the hassles (and unfortunately bullies) that they face at their work. For many of these people, the time off might hopefully be enough for them to analyse the toxic relationship between themselves and the bully, as well as come up with some appropriate plan of action on how to beat the bully.
Unfortunately for others however the bullying would only just be starting, particularly when the bully is a family member; be it sibling, parent or even a distant cousin. If you happen to be one of those people for whom the bully is a family member, than the Christmas holidays might not be that much of an exciting time at all. Throughout the rest of the year, you might have been able to keep your distance from such person but come Christmas; you may be expected to attend the family functions (along with the bully). And if the person in question is a verbal bully, they may openly be attacking you in the form of nasty comments right under the noses of others.
A perfect example of such a bully is the family member who openly makes comments about you in such a manner that while others in earshot would hear a perfectly innocent interpretation, only you and the bully would get the real interpretation behind the comment. Such comments you may hear coming from the mouth of the bully include;
‘Please give us two fatties a smaller portion please’
Implying that you are fat and so should have a smaller portion, yet the adding of themselves in the equation lightens the directness of the comment at you.
‘Why aren’t you married yet like…’
This comment tends to be said more at female targets than male ones, probably due to the emphasis on getting married, raising children, etc. To others it sounds like genuine concern but to you (and the bully) it is direct attack on your social status (and compare you with another is just rude)!
‘So you STILL working as…?.’
Emphasis here is on the still, showing concern to others yet to yourself, implying that you haven’t done any better in your career.
‘Why don’t you ever come around and see me more often?’
Another famous line, usually said just before or after the prior comments. The aim is to try and get you to answer your apparent lack of caring in front of others.
‘I heard you are a ….? Why do/don’t you …’
This statement is usually said when the bully is aware that you have done something (or don’t do something) which they and the rest of the family do. For instance you are a vegetarian while we eat meat or you went to university while we didn’t. The intent is to start a debate where you are singled out and victimised by them and others for doing what you do.
So if you happen to find yourself reluctantly facing another Christmas where you are going to be targeted by a bully on an on-going basis, what options do you have open to you? Well one option of course is to simply tell everyone that you won’t be attending Christmas with them, but this in all likely is going to isolate you from the family (and god knows what the bully be saying about you when you are not around). Of course there is always the second option of attending the family Christmas and simply put up with the bullying (not viable option either).
Well the first thing I would recommend is that you plan some defences in your mind should the bully start to openly attack you. For instance, when they openly criticise you for instance with one of the comments mentioned above, simply respond by saying ‘Thanks … for your concern but I…’ ;
1. Can look after my own weight thank you
2. Feel that is personal and I don’t wish to discuss it with you
3. I don’t wish to discuss that so can we please change the subject
4. Feel that when I am in your company, you tend to put me down and as such, tend to spend time away (let the whole table know how their bullying affects you and so that is why you rarely visit them).
These are just four possible responses that you can give to the bullying family member when they are verbally attacking you in front of others. The trick is to be creative and try to come up with a list of possible responses to the bullying comments that they may try and throw at you.
Usually on giving your response, the bully realising you have deflected their attack will throw several other comments at you in the form of either trying to dig into your reasons for not answering their initial bullying comment, else they will back off for few minutes before coming back with another such comment. In the first instance, simply tell the person (and any interested family members) that you are not willing to talk about it and can you please change the subject. If they don’t stop, calmly get up and leave the dinner table, etc, perhaps even heading off home.
Alternatively if they keep trying to come back with another comment, ask the bully in question (in front of the family) why they keep pushing you to answer personal details, etc about yourself, such as social status, career progression or implying that you are fat, etc. The bully is trying to put you in the limelight (embarrassingly) so why not give them some limelight of their own.
Ultimately which options you choose to take are completely up to you though it ought to be worth mentioning that should you feel that the bully is gaining ground in their comments by others beginning to probe you further, simply say thank you for the meal but you are going to be leaving now!
At the time of writing this, the Christmas holidays have just started for many people, a much needed break from the hassles (and unfortunately bullies) that they face at their work. For many of these people, the time off might hopefully be enough for them to analyse the toxic relationship between themselves and the bully, as well as come up with some appropriate plan of action on how to beat the bully.
Unfortunately for others however the bullying would only just be starting, particularly when the bully is a family member; be it sibling, parent or even a distant cousin. If you happen to be one of those people for whom the bully is a family member, than the Christmas holidays might not be that much of an exciting time at all. Throughout the rest of the year, you might have been able to keep your distance from such person but come Christmas; you may be expected to attend the family functions (along with the bully). And if the person in question is a verbal bully, they may openly be attacking you in the form of nasty comments right under the noses of others.
A perfect example of such a bully is the family member who openly makes comments about you in such a manner that while others in earshot would hear a perfectly innocent interpretation, only you and the bully would get the real interpretation behind the comment. Such comments you may hear coming from the mouth of the bully include;
‘Please give us two fatties a smaller portion please’
Implying that you are fat and so should have a smaller portion, yet the adding of themselves in the equation lightens the directness of the comment at you.
‘Why aren’t you married yet like…’
This comment tends to be said more at female targets than male ones, probably due to the emphasis on getting married, raising children, etc. To others it sounds like genuine concern but to you (and the bully) it is direct attack on your social status (and compare you with another is just rude)!
‘So you STILL working as…?.’
Emphasis here is on the still, showing concern to others yet to yourself, implying that you haven’t done any better in your career.
‘Why don’t you ever come around and see me more often?’
Another famous line, usually said just before or after the prior comments. The aim is to try and get you to answer your apparent lack of caring in front of others.
‘I heard you are a ….? Why do/don’t you …’
This statement is usually said when the bully is aware that you have done something (or don’t do something) which they and the rest of the family do. For instance you are a vegetarian while we eat meat or you went to university while we didn’t. The intent is to start a debate where you are singled out and victimised by them and others for doing what you do.
So if you happen to find yourself reluctantly facing another Christmas where you are going to be targeted by a bully on an on-going basis, what options do you have open to you? Well one option of course is to simply tell everyone that you won’t be attending Christmas with them, but this in all likely is going to isolate you from the family (and god knows what the bully be saying about you when you are not around). Of course there is always the second option of attending the family Christmas and simply put up with the bullying (not viable option either).
Well the first thing I would recommend is that you plan some defences in your mind should the bully start to openly attack you. For instance, when they openly criticise you for instance with one of the comments mentioned above, simply respond by saying ‘Thanks … for your concern but I…’ ;
1. Can look after my own weight thank you
2. Feel that is personal and I don’t wish to discuss it with you
3. I don’t wish to discuss that so can we please change the subject
4. Feel that when I am in your company, you tend to put me down and as such, tend to spend time away (let the whole table know how their bullying affects you and so that is why you rarely visit them).
These are just four possible responses that you can give to the bullying family member when they are verbally attacking you in front of others. The trick is to be creative and try to come up with a list of possible responses to the bullying comments that they may try and throw at you.
Usually on giving your response, the bully realising you have deflected their attack will throw several other comments at you in the form of either trying to dig into your reasons for not answering their initial bullying comment, else they will back off for few minutes before coming back with another such comment. In the first instance, simply tell the person (and any interested family members) that you are not willing to talk about it and can you please change the subject. If they don’t stop, calmly get up and leave the dinner table, etc, perhaps even heading off home.
Alternatively if they keep trying to come back with another comment, ask the bully in question (in front of the family) why they keep pushing you to answer personal details, etc about yourself, such as social status, career progression or implying that you are fat, etc. The bully is trying to put you in the limelight (embarrassingly) so why not give them some limelight of their own.
Ultimately which options you choose to take are completely up to you though it ought to be worth mentioning that should you feel that the bully is gaining ground in their comments by others beginning to probe you further, simply say thank you for the meal but you are going to be leaving now!
