HOW TO SPOT THE WORKPLACE BULLY!

I was reading an interesting article recently by Valerie Cade (author of Bully Free At Work) on ‘Recognizing Workplace Bullies.’  In this article, Cade starts by mentioning how according to experts on workplace relationships, it is indeed very challenging to spot a workplace bully in action.  The reason for this is because rather than admit that we are being bullied, most of us normal folk will probably try make some excuses for the bully’s behaviour, such as ‘It was probably my fault’ or ‘She is probably just having a bad day.’

Speaking as someone who has been bullied in a working environment, I can completely sympathise with what Cade is saying.  You see, I (and most people I assume) generally want to live a quiet life, one which does not contain too much stress.  So on being the target of a bully, my (and most other people) reaction would be to excuse the bullying behaviour as anything but what it really is.

Yet even without this self-denial, spotting a workplace bully is also difficult due to the fact that most bullies don’t want the whole world to know that they are a bully; especially in the workplace where there is the chance that they could get fired for such behaviour.  So naturally bullies (especially in the workplace) will tend to carry out subtle attacks on their target, else openly bully their target when believing that others around won’t turn against them.

So if you believe that you are being bullied at work by a co-worker, what can you do?  Well the first thing that you can do is to stop deluding yourself from the possibility that you are being bullied for as personal development guru Dr Phil McGraw famously quotes ‘You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.’  Whilst I know that it may be painful to consider the fact that someone is intentionally bullying you but it the possibility needs to be accepted if you are going to bring about a change.

The next step to realising if you are being bullied by someone at work is to apply the two step questionnaire which I mentioned in the ‘Beat The Bully’ book.   The first of the questions you need to ask yourself is

Do many of the interactions that I have with (name of colleague) leave me feeling somewhat intimidated, down or just negative?

Now on answering this question, don’t assume that I mean every single interaction between you and the bully leaves you feeling worse off, not even 50% of the interactions, but if there is a general pattern where every one in four or five interactions leaves you feeling as such, than the answer to this question would be yes. 

In her article, Cade mentions some of the signs to look out when interacting with the person in mind you believe to be a bully.  These signs include:

•          Making you work longer hours than most
•          Crude sexual comments aimed at you
•          Doesn't give you any credit for the work you done
•        Continually Criticized 

Along with these signs and any other indicators of bullying, the second question to ask yourself is

‘Does the person in question do it to most other people in the office as well or just me and perhaps one or two others?’

If the answer to this question is no in that he treats everyone with some nastiness, it could just be that your bully in question is simply a bitter person or lacks in people skills, hence not really a bully (though at the same time, you don’t have to stand for such behaviour).  Yet if the answer is yes, she seems to be picking on only you (and perhaps one or two others elsewhere) while treating everyone else at work differently, than you do have a workplace bully.

Now that you are aware if you are being bullied (assuming that you are) than you can now decide whether to confront the bully (recommend doing this in a dignified manner for not losing your job), report the issue up to management or simply let it be, the choice is up to you!

BEAT THE BULLY FIRST PRESS RELEASE!

As a new author whom is not at all famous in any shape of form, one needs to try all that they can to try and promote their work.  If there are any new authors (or even well established ones) reading this post, than you'd probably realise the amount of self-promotion which one is required to do in order to try and get their work known by the general public.

So without trying to blow my trumpet to much, I would like to mention that after some phoning around and an embarrassing incident with the scheduling of the photographer, I can gladly say that news of Beat The Bully has finally reached the newspapers: by that I mean my own local newspaper 'The Bucks Free Press.'  Please click on the link below to view the feature of the book in question!

BUCKS FREE PRESS FEATURE OF BEAT THE BULLY BOOK

I would also just like to give a special thanks to Rebecca Cain who performed the interview and wrote the feature within the local newspaper!

I'VE BEING PICKED ON - AM I WEAK?

It doesn't take a genius to realise that when one is being bullied, not only will their sense of worth diminish greatly (as mentioned in my prior post Self-Esteem – Kryptonite to a bully) but they will also feel less confident and weaker in their abilities and who they are as people.  For instance someone who was a top performer at their work starts to get picked on by envious co-workers.  In the process their perceived ability of how well they perform at work will go down, i.e.  ‘I didn’t deserve to really be employee of the month, I was just lucky I guess.’  Oftentimes this erroneous belief in their capability to perform at their work can actually affect the quality of their work, lowering their performance (this is known in psychological circles as a self-fulfilling prophecy)!

For some reason not really understandable by most sane folks, most bullies consciously or unconsciously seem to derive some sort of pleasure or satisfaction in making one of their targets feel weaker in themselves.  Hence for those of you reading this who are being bullied, this would explain why you would probably be feeling less confident in yourself and your abilities.

Now if this is the case, I would like to reassure you now that you are not a weak person.  In fact the chances are that you actually have a stronger character than the bully who is trying to make you feel small.  If you doubt this, than let me give you a quick story to prove otherwise.  For many months back when I was doing my first year of A levels, I was picked on by one particular bully who I refer to in my book ‘Beat The Bully’ as a student called Joe.  Though we only shared one class together, he would make this class a living nightmare for me.

Fortunately but regretfully I sort of lost it, had enough and in the middle of the class, got off my seat, walked over to him and shall we say physically sorted him out (something I wouldn’t condone).  Anyhow after this incident, he naturally backed off from me a bit, only saying the odd remark quietly to try and save face in front of his mates.  Than unexpectedly, he just stopped coming to class and dropped the course.  Now I can’t say for certain whether this was due to myself but when you put one and one together, including the small period of time between both incidences, it seems like there was a connection.

Furthermore I have also seen the same thing several other times in my life amongst other people where someone has been picked on by another yet they still show up each occasion for another hammering.  Yet when they (the target) finally stands up and puts a stop to the bully, they very quickly cower away, often leaving the workplace or social group altogether.  Now you tell me which one you think has the stronger character, the target who shows up each day, week, etc to receive another dose of bullying or the bully who on being humiliated, stopped, etc, runs off into pastures new. 

So please do take comfort if you are being bullied that you are not less popular, more stupid, etc than the bully.  This is what they want you to think.  In fact if you could try and imagine it from a bully’s perspective, deep down they probably feel inferior to everyone else in situation.  Hence like predators in the wild, they will try and hide their inferiority not by attacking the herd, etc in one swoop but picking out members of the herd one at a time, weakening them and then attacking them.  Fortunately though I am not implying that your bully wants to eat you though!  Simply that your perpetrator feels weak in themselves and as such, is trying to climb up the social hierarchy by bringing others down in the process.

As a group, the herd could easily tackle the predator hence like a bully, the 

predator separates  the herd one at a time.

I would like to conclude by saying however that I am not implying you should take compassion on the bully, forgive them and let them carry on bullying you.  Many of us in society often feel weak deep down but would never dream of resorting to bullying to get ahead.  Yet those who for some reason are emotionally stunted, etc, such logic might not apply.

If you are interested in bullying at the workplace, an interesting article that I have come across is 

Bullying 10 - Workplace Bullying

SELF ESTEEM - KRYPTONITE TO A BULLY

   

If you have had the pleasure of reading my book ‘Beat The Bully’ (forgive the slight promotion) you may have noticed how I revealed that in reality, nobody is truly immune from being the target of a bully.  If there was such a person in existence, I would personally want to meet him and to ask him how he managed to achieve such a state.

 

Though you or anybody else is not immune from being bullied, it is possible though to make yourself a ‘Hardened-Target’ in that it would be quite difficult for a bully to actually start intimidating you.  Fortunately you don’t have to look too far to come across these hardened targets.  Do the names Richard Branson, Nick Clegg or Robbie Williams ring a bell? 

Now if you are thinking something along the lines of ‘Hang on a minute Alex, of course these people wouldn’t get bullied, I mean who’d dare bully them, they are at the very peak of their respective fields?’  Well I will agree with you, being at such heights of fame and achievement, these people are likely to not have many bullies stand up to them.  Yet just imagine each of these three people were not as famous and accomplished as they are, working ordinary jobs like the rest of us, yet still maintained the strength of personality we know they have.  Can you imagine Richard Branson with his charm or Robbie Williams & Nick Clegg with their high self-confidence levels working at the desk next to yours?  Do you think that these people would be the target of bullies or would they instead have the bullies eating out of their hands (figuratively speaking)?

So what is it in the personalities that make these three examples hardened targets?  Well in my opinion, there are two traits that make one a hardened target (no matter whether they by nature are introverted or extroverted, loud or quiet, etc).  The first of these traits is ones SELF-ESTEEM levels.  Or to put it another way, one common trait which all bullies tend to share is the sense of pleasure they derive when they are able to make one of their targets feel small and bad about themselves.  In fact, this is probably the basic goal behind all forms of bullying behaviour, to make someone feel worse so that the perpetrator can temporarily feel better.

Hence to hold yourself in high regards would mean that a bully would have a harder job grinding you down to the levels they want you at.  Unfortunately there isn’t actually a self-esteem threshold where when one goes above it, they are immune to all bullies.  The reason for this is because many bullies when unable to bully you directly due to your sense of worth might instead do little, indirect acts of bullying with the goal of chipping away at your self-esteem till you are grinded down to a level where they can directly bully you.

Therefore the second trait required to making you a hardened target is SELF-AWARENESS.  While this trait by itself won’t make you a hardened target, it is vitally important for without it, a bully would happily chip away at your self-esteem levels until there are none left.  Yet with a high degree of self-awareness, when the bully does start trying to chip away at your esteem levels, you will not only be able to realise that this is happening but still have the confidence to take action and tell the bully where they can get off.  Usually nothing makes it worse for a bully for their target (who still has high level of confidence) tell them that they know what they are doing and that they are not going to stand for it.  Remember, bullies are cowards and as such, don’t want the challenge of facing a difficult target and as such, will back away.

So the core traits needed to be a hardened target against a bully is self-esteem and self-awareness.  Unfortunately even hardened targets are not completely immune to bullying for if the bully is crafty enough, they might be able to skilfully chip away at such a target’s self-esteem levels without the target realising what is taking place till it is too late.  Yet with these two traits you stand a far greater chance of not being bullied.

Before ending, I would just like to add one final thing that been that being a hardened target doesn’t mean you have to be at all aggressive in your personality, ready to confront a bully physically, etc should they arise.  Look at Mahatma Gandhi for example.  A pacifist but with high levels of self-esteem as well high levels awareness, many of his enemies thought that they could bully him into submission.  Fortunately they didn’t grasp what type of person they were dealing with and ended up looking stupid and/or failing to get their way!

WHY PEOPLE BULLY?

Can you imagine what it would be like to be a bully?  To consciously go about picking on certain people whom you perceive as being weaker than you in one form or another?  Can you imagine the sense of pleasure you’d get when you manage intimidate such people in your interactions, being able to make that person nervous, stressed, etc whenever you like?  Yet at the same time, can you imagine often feeling deep feelings of envy towards some of these people?

If you find it hard imagine what it would be like than you are not alone.  Most ordinary folk would find such a lifestyle alien to them.  Fortunately most people aren’t bullies and never have being (and likely never to be).  Unfortunately not everyone is a decent person, in that they are bullies and if you could step into their minds, would see that secretly they do live similar to the one you tried to imagine.

So what is it that drives a person to become a bully?  Unfortunately there are many different reasons but one core reason which I personally don’t think holds any weight (as mentioned as myth in ‘Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying’) is the idea that bullies simply suffer from low self-esteem and so need compassion and help, not punishing.  Now I don’t know about you, but there have been times in my life when my esteem levels weren’t particularly high, but never did I turn into a bully.  Furthermore, I know a few people whose level of worth is quite low, but they certainly aren’t bullies either.

So what are the reasons driving a person to be a bully?  Well there are many reasons and theories for why people bully (for more comprehensive list, click on the link 'Why Adults Bully' at bottom of this post) and naturally not all bullies are going to behave for the same reason.  Yet the sum of all these reasons is that they as human are basically emotionally stunted. By emotionally stunted, I mean they lack any sort of Emotional Intelligence (EQ).  Emotional Intelligence is basically defined as the ability or capacity to perceive, assess, and manage the emotions of one's self, and of others.  So it is a low level if EQ which can make one end up as a bully. Research by the experts on Emotional Intelligence has shown that there is a correlation between levels of EQ and bullying.

So what causes one to have low EQ or to put it in layman terms be emotionally stunted?  Well there are probably just as many reasons as why people bully, but the all the possible reasons would fall under two categories, Nature and Nurture.  While some emotionally stunted people behave this way because they have being brought up that way (perhaps taught by parents or peers when a child that this behaviour gets you what you want) some are bullies due to their genetics.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I am no ways advocating that there is a gene which makes a person become a bully.  Rather nature has made the person so that they might have some sort of neurological problem which causes them to lack deeper understanding of emotions (especially in others) and as such, the possibility of acting like a bully becomes more accessible to them.  Possible examples of such people may include narcissists and definitely sociopaths, whose brain images have shown, are neurologically wired differently to the rest of us.

Whatever the reasons for bullying, I believe that it shouldn’t be tolerated and if the bully was conscious enough to know what they were doing, than they should be held accountable for their behaviour.

WHY ADULTS BULLY