BULLYING: MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

If you have read ‘Beat The Bully’ you may recall I mentioning how I had recently been bullied within a social organisation that I belonged to, yet was certain as well that I would have the problem sorted out. Well in this post, I would like to update you as to what has happened and as such, why I feel that writing out my experience can help purge the soul. I would also like to explain why I didn’t name the organisation in which this took place within; and why I plan to name it now and get it all off my chest.

Well to begin with, since the writing of the book, I am no longer a member of the social organisation in question. Which organisation is this I am referring to? Well the organisation in which the bullying took place within was Rotaract, the 18-30 version of the Rotary foundation. Now I would like to add that in my opinion, Rotaract (and Rotary) themselves are fantastic organisations. They have both done excellent work, campaigning for vast charitable causes.

Unfortunately with every group which grows to a certain size, it will naturally gain a few bad apples in it and in my opinion, (based only on my personal experience,) the same has happened within Rotaract; I say that from the bullying that I experienced when in Rotaract. This bullying was instigated by a few people from a club which I used to belong to, before deciding to leave that club and join another club, within the same 1090 district. Unfortunately one of the bullies (Linda) happened to also make several strides forwards in the foundation as well.

Well since then, I have left the district of Rotaract which I was a member of, one of the reasons for this being that despite reporting the bullying to various members of the rotary district council, my reports seemed to only go up a certain level in the chain of command, before fizzing out. I had to actually report the bullying through three different channels between July-November, and though some avenues looked like they were about to work, I was informed that the only real resolution was ‘Mediation.’ Now don’t get me but I think it is impossible to mediate with a bully, I mean what sort of agreement was I supposed to come up with Linda (who as you may recall from my book, used to mock me for being vegetarian and insult me for having Dyspraxia – a learning disability).

Anyhow not much was happening until the initial self-publication of my book ‘Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying.’ On finding out that I had written this book where I’d outlined some of the bullying which I had received, I had a meeting with one of the members of the rotary district council. Within this meeting, I mentioned how no offense was meant by the book, adding that even in this addition of the book; I had changed the names of the bullies, etc to respect their identities.

Yet I was further told that I needed to remove ‘Rotaract’ and any reference to it from future prints off my book, which is the reason why it is referred to now simply as ‘Social organisation.’ I was further informed by Rotary district council representative that by including the name of the social organisation within my book meant I could be done for liable.

So three months down the line, why have I decided to reveal this on the ‘Beat The Bully’ site? Well the reason for this is because of the unfairness which I have experienced within during my last days within this Rotaract/Rotary district. These can be outlined as;

1. I had to wait for number of months from reporting it to something been done, regularly pestering the people in rotary district council about what was taking place (I been bullied for being vegetarian and having had a special need).

2. After the meeting I had with the rotary representative, I was informed that all the information would get passed up to the head of the rotary district council, where a decision would be made. I can inform you that a month later (by time I had left) I still hadn’t heard anything back.

3. Looking back, it is my opinion that Rotary district council were more interested in making the situation disappear (or at the very least, keep it quiet). I say this for after the publication of my book, it was implied by Rotary district council representative that I could be done for liable if I mentioned the name of the organisation in future publications of my book, as well as being sued by the bully in question.

Now don’t get me wrong but looking back over what has happened, I feel that I have been bullied by few people (quite hurtfully) and as such, reported it to the official channels within the organisation, who in my opinion were trying to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. As such, I have left but even to this day, still feel slightly sick and angry at the way things turned out. As such, I feel that writing this would help get it off my chest.

Please don’t get me wrong though, I am not trying to say that all of Rotary were trying to silence my bullying claims, far from it. Unfortunately in my time as a member, I have learned that Rotary foundation is made up of many districts, each with various clubs within them and run by a general district council. It is of my opinion that it just so was that in the district council which I found myself within, there were a few bad apples who happened to fulfil certain positions and would rather have made their district look good rather than deal with the bullying within it (though I can’t be certain, I am sure that I was not the only person being bullied within this district).

So this is the update of what has happened since the writing of my book. As such, I can now say that since leaving the district, I am happily undertaking new pastures and would like to assure any of you reading this who are being bullied at the moment (even by the guy at the top of your organisation) don’t despair if you feel that leaving is the only option. Sometimes the most wisest decision one can make when confronted with a bully in power is to leave rather than stay and try fight a battle where the odds are stacked against them.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BULLYING AND PERSONALITY CONFLICT

If you have ever been bullied before, you may have had the unfortunate experience of telling someone in authority what is happening, only to be told something along the following lines of ‘Oh it is just a personality conflict!’  The few times when I have received such a response I can genuinely say has left me feeling powerless, defenceless as well slightly humiliated for perceivably causing a fuss over nothing.

In actuality though, the person who told you this probably has no idea as to the erroneous misperception they have over the difference between bullying and personality conflict for there is no way that these two are alike.  For one thing, the relationship dynamics in a personality conflict and that in bullying are completely different.

So what are the differences?  Well a personality conflict can best be described as a conflict over opinions, etc, of two equally strong personalities.  In a personality conflict, both sides are willingly getting involved, fighting over their specific opinions, etc, not wanting to surrender or compromise with the other party but are aware that the option of giving in is usually available, at which point the conflict ceases.

Bullying however is completely different in that it usually takes the form of one personality (usually the weaker one) carrying out a campaign of hate and aggression on the stronger personality.  I say the weaker personality is the one doing the attacking for in 99% of cases, when the bullying personality is confronted; its true cowardliness and weaknesses shine through.

It is also worth mentioning that in a bullying scenario, the bullying generally carries on whether the attacked personality decides to defend itself or not; the bullying will carry on even if the target personality wants to call it a day (different from the personality conflict scenario). 

Yet despite these obvious differences, it never ceases to horrify me as to how often those purportedly in authority sweep ones claims of bullying away as mere personality conflict; be it out of ignorance or laziness in wanting to do anything.  If the person in authority happens to have some sort of relationship with the bully as well, there may well be a personal reluctance from that person to want to get involved in the bullying claim; especially if it may harm their relationship with the bully (who wants to be the one to have to punish or discipline a friend)!

a personality conflict

Digressing a bit from the subject, I’d like to quickly mention a case of a friend of mine who was been repeatedly picked on by some yobs in the neighbourhood to which he lived in.  Having given him months of verbal abuse, he decided to go down to the police station to report it.  Yet on speaking to the constable at the front desk, my friend was merely informed that he simply needed to have ‘thicker skin’ and not to ‘take it personally.’  Now when a POLICE OFFICIER is saying this to you, someone who is there to uphold the law, it can make you feel like there is no hope whatsoever.  Unfortunately for my friend, the incidence with the yobs carried on till it one day got physical and then the police took an interest (something which probably could have been avoided had they taken his reports of bullying more seriously).

bullying (note difference from prior picture)

So if you ever find yourself in a situation where you decide to report some bullying to someone in authority, only to be brushed aside with the personality conflict excuse, what should you do?  Well the following 3 steps outline your best course of action

1.       Approach the person in authority again (if need be) and inform them as to why you believe that you are being bullied (instead of it being just a personality conflict) and what you’d like it to be resolved.

2.       Judging by the response of this person, you can decide to let them deal with it or else, if you believe nothing much is going to happen, you can always try speaking to someone else in authority, perhaps someone higher up in the organisation.

3.       If after leaving it to the first contact in authority to do something and then approaching subsequent authorities, nothing still happens, than you are faced with a stark choice, either put up with the bullying (knowing that it is not going to stop) or leave the organisation in question.  Personally I would always recommend the latter option for staying in a place where you are being bullied with no subsequent help certainly won’t do any good for your health, peace of mind, etc.

If you ever find yourself in the unfortunate circumstance of your issues being brushed aside by someone who is meant to help you, remember that just because X said it is a personality conflict, doesn’t actually mean that it is.

SOCIOPATHIC BULLIES

Throughout your life, you’d probably come across those people who you’d call ‘Psycho,’ those people who live their lives recklessly, be it driving down your peaceful suburban road at speeds exceeding 50mph, or continuously getting into fights down the pub.  Basically these people seem to live their lives on the edge.  However, these people aren’t to be confused with the type of person which I’d like to write about in this post, the ‘Psychopath.’

Now you may well be wondering as to why I am talking about Psychopaths (or Sociopaths as they are referred to nowadays) in a post about ‘Adult Bullying.’  Well the reason for this is because unlike most bullies, sociopathic bullies are probably one of the worst types of bullies which one could ever hope to get on the wrong side of.  Furthermore, as sociopaths look just like the rest of us the only real way to know if you are dealing with a sociopath is by first knowing how they typically behaves.  Yet even then you cannot be certain that he or she is a sociopath for while many people may behave the same way a sociopath would, under mental health examinations you’d find that they were not actually sociopaths.

So what exactly defines a sociopath?  Well according to Dr Robert Hare, a leading expert on the subject, someone can be defined as a sociopath if they are said to possess most (if not all) of the following characteristics (before mentioning what these are, I would just like to add that while it may be fun to evaluate people you know on whether they have these tests or not, one needs to be a mental health expert to say with certainty whether such person is or isn’t).

TRAITS OF A SOCIOPATH

LACK OF REMORSE

While there are times when every one of us can be said to show a lack of guilt over something that has happened, Sociopaths on the other hand take this lack of remorse to the extreme, with some never having experienced true guilt in their lives.  This is probably one of the reasons for why sociopaths are the worst types of bullies that one could come across; they will happily cross a line in intimidating their targets which no ordinary bully would usually cross.  For instance, if a target of theirs is off from work due to grief over loss of a loved one, a sociopath would happily mock them about it the day they return to work.  And they won’t ever feel any sort of guilt about what they had done, no matter what anyone says to them.

SHALLOW EMOTIONS

Another trait of the sociopath is the inability to feel any emotion at the level of depth that the average person would feel.  They don’t tend to feel love to another in the same way that we would, treasuring members of their own family in a manner not to different to how you would love your own television or car.

Likewise, they don’t tend to feel much anxiety at all.  If someone were to point a gun towards you, you’d probably sweat, tremble and be sick, etc.  A sociopath wouldn’t feel such emotions to the extent that you or I would feel (perhaps just a little tremble, that be it).  Similarly when things are going bad, a sociopath wouldn’t get depressed or feel despair, but probably go off to find something more fun. 

LOW TOLERANCE TO BOREDOM

Having said that sociopaths don’t tend to feel much in regards to emotions, this is true in regards to most emotions except boredom.  One of the main motivations behind most sociopathic behaviour is boredom.  Unfortunately the simple things which would alienate boredom for normal person, such as driving along the road in open top car at speed just slightly above the speed limit would probably not do much for a sociopath.  For a sociopath to be excited, they would probably have to push the car as fast as it can go, perhaps in a speed chase with the police, while having Class A drugs on them as well.

This would explain why when bullying their targets, a sociopath would be one of those bullies who won’t leave their targets alone.  If in the office for instance, the sociopath would be one who would always be round their targets desk for instance, making their work lives hell.

MANIPULATION & LYING

Sociopaths tend to be manipulative and chronic liars.  This is one of the reasons why it has taken experts so long to identify sociopaths and what makes them tick, due to the fact that they continuously lie about what they are thinking or have done.  Likewise due to their shallow emotions, most sociopaths don’t tend to feel bad on being rejected by others and as such, can happily try again on the same (or different) person, altering their approaches ever so slightly till they master the best way to act.

This explains why sociopaths therefore can become rather good manipulators, they learn what interactions product the results and use those tactics in relationships to get what they want.  Hence if been bullied by a sociopath, this explain why they are often so good at intimidating you, they have observed through prior interactions what works (and doesn’t work) with you and refined their manipulative skill.

IMPULSIVE & IRRESPONSIBLE

As you may have guessed from the prior traits, sociopaths aren’t very responsible people, in that on making a decision which didn’t turn out so well, they aren’t the type of person to take accountability for that decision.  Along with their low tolerance of boredom, you can see how a sociopath is a very impulsive person, tending to not live their lives with much order or long-term plans.  As such, your typical sociopath is unlikely to be the sort of person who will be truly successful in life or accomplish anything great, due to their reluctance to put in the hours of work required for success, as well as taking accountability for their mistakes (keys to success).

Having said that, many sociopaths are often found in perceivably success positions, such as high up in the corporate environment, be it head of sales, etc.  Though most don’t tend to last long in such positions, it is interesting how many reach these positions and this is due to;

SUPERFICIAL, GLIB CHARM

One of the traits which sociopaths have in abundance, which to be honest many of us wished we have is charm (charisma).  While all their other traits would make them stand out a mile as someone who you’d certainly not want to be around, what makes these social chameleons fit well into groups and move up the social hierarchy very quickly is the charm that most possess.  In many cases, people claimed that they knew X person for years and thought that he was a nice, charming person, only to find out afterwards that this person is really a sociopath.

So what makes sociopaths so superficially charming?  Well one of the traits which make up their charm is a high verbal IQ.  These people can be very witty, complimentary (to the people they wish to please), etc whilst being nasty bullies or extremely cold to everyone else.  Likewise their ability to tell lies and lack of shame when been caught out means that they can easily convince one that they are something that they are not.  They can manipulate our emotions into making us feel what they want us to.  It comes as no surprise therefore that when dealing with sociopathic bully, you may feel at a disadvantage when the bully can almost charm the birds of the trees and everyone else loves him or her, but at the same time they are making your life an absolute hell.

GRANDIOSITY

To say that a sociopath loves themselves would be an understatement, they are obsessed with themselves.  To these people, they feel that they are a superior being living in an inferior world.  As such they don’t really see any problem with who they are, even when been diagnosed as sociopaths.  They love the attention it can bring when discovered, else if not discovered, will happily talk for hours about all the great things they have done (lies) and high-powered goals they will achieve (though they never tend to have any plans in which to implement those goals).

It seems to be part of the human condition to gravitate towards those who seem to have an air of confidence around them and sociopaths ooze this confidence.  Along with their charm and convincing lying skills, they can be one of the most impressive people one could hope to meet, often keeping the charade up for many years before being uncovered for who they really are.

Unfortunately sociopaths are one of those types of people who will tend to move up the corporate ladder very quickly, due to their high levels of charisma and ability to deceive people into thinking that they are excellent.  Fortunately for those of us who more acute don’t take things on face value but look beneath, a very different picture emerges. 

For instance I once heard the story of a guy who joined an organisation and very quickly moved up to a high-level within the organisation, been put in charge of his own department.  His department were the most effective department in the whole entire office.  Fortunately it was only when senior management were investigating a case of missing stock from the organisation did the trail lead back to this guy.  Further investigation uncovered that in actuality, this guy had never done proper days’ work, instead intimidating those around him to do his work for him whilst he took all the credit.  This explained why his department were one of the most productive departments around, they were all too scared to stand up to this intimidating sociopath and so undertook all the work set out, whilst at the same time he was pulling the wool over everyone else’s eyes,  making them believe what a fantastic achiever he was.

Further analysis of his prior background later revealed that he had lied completely about all his past achievements and jobs.  Unfortunately almost everyone had been taken in by his charm to the point where they had overlooked the obvious background checks.  He was subsequently fired!

From the traits mentioned above, it is no doubt that anyone having a sociopathic bully with most of these traits would certainly be in for a hard time.  Due to their lack of conscience, it is probably not worth trying to tackle the sociopathic bully as if it were a personal war for there is no low that these people would happily sink to.  Likewise due to their lack of fear, etc, reporting them to whoever is in charge (employer if at work) is unlikely make them back off out of fear of punishment.  However as sociopaths are impulsive by nature, the chances are that if you become a hardened target (not letting them get to you and continuously dealing with their bullying efforts) they will probably get bored with you and move on to someone else.

So if you believe that your bully maybe a sociopath, than the first thing I’d recommend you do is to seek out some sort of support and help, knowing that many sociopaths on being caught would simply move on to their next target rather than try and intimidate you!

BUCKS HERALD BEAT THE BULLY BOOK REVIEW!

In the promoting of my book 'Beat The Bully: A Guide To Dealing With Adult Bullying' I am pleased to announce that I have managed to get myself featured in the local paper once again, this time the Bucks Herald.  Feel free to read the link to the online article below!  Though I must warn you that I feel the picture which was taken by myself doesn’t show me in the best of lights.

Anyhow, to read article please click on the link below

BUCKS HERALD REVIEW ON BOOK.